Are You Listening?

February 22, 2023

“When adults offer up a solution too quickly,” notes Isla, a 15-year-old, “it feels like they’re not really listening or understanding what I’m going through.” (Damour 2020)


My mother is a great listener: what a gift. At various moments in my life, I have also been the beneficiary of that privilege from friends and even health practitioners who have exacted the practice of listening. Archie Roach, in his autobiography ‘Tell Me Why: The Story of My Life and My Music’ tells of the importance of listening deeply. According to Roach, getting rid of all thoughts and noise allows us to hear ‘the truth, the truth which lies on the wind.’ Nonetheless, when we are working with a dysregulated adolescent, the idea of listening deeply takes on a different dimension – impossibility comes to mind. In writing of this very challenge, the Newport Academy explains why listening, or being in conversation with a heightened adolescent can be a fraught experience. Because:


  • Your teenager might not want to talk at all.
  • Your teenager is finding it hard to empathise with your perspective.
  • Conversations with your teen quickly lose focus and devolve into conflict.
  • You or your teen are afraid to express what you truly feel.


Welcome to parenting through adolescence: that complex, fraught, challenging passage from childhood to adulthood. It may seem self-evident that one cannot become an adult without first being an adolescent, but it is a truism, nonetheless. You can’t sidestep the inevitable separation of parent from your child: you have to let go. They have to see themselves as separate entities and they have to make choices and face consequences. Without this, your child cannot step across the threshold into independence. How do we allow our adolescents to make autonomous and wise decisions when we know they want to test boundaries; risk take and experiment? How do we stop ourselves from compromising our own expectations in the thirst for alignment or even some peace with our children? After all, the thing they need most from us is permission to be autonomous; to be secure in the knowledge that we ourselves are confident adults, able to set clear boundaries.


Older kids … are going through a process of separating themselves from their parents, shaping who they will be apart from us. In order to do that, they need a certain amount of autonomy, room to stretch, take risks, try things out, and grow. There’s research that reveals kids who are more controlled by their parents lie to [them] more. If we don’t give them room [to separate], they will create it, even through deceit. (Lahey, 2016)


Sometimes, we are told, all too often, and with all too much emphasis, that we are ‘the worst parents on earth’, or ‘that everyone else is allowed to ….’ or we are met with an exaggerated eye roll, the curt conclusion to a phone conversation or a closed bedroom door. At such times we wonder what we have done to attract such a response. We wonder if this reaction is unique to us - because it certainly feels that way. Yet, you are not alone.


More than a decade ago, my freshly nineteen year old daughter (still in the throes of intermittent and perhaps frequent adolescent behaviour) was studying for a semester at San Jose State University. Whilst the costs were shared between us, the bulk fell (no surprise) upon us, her parents. At times it felt that we were giving her far too much through this privilege. Conversely, at other times, we delighted in her growth in global awareness, the international connections and friendships she forged, and her courage in undertaking study overseas. It wasn’t a cheap exercise and when her semester ended, she was keen to holiday a little longer, on our purse strings. She had run out of money, entirely, despite her assurance just weeks before that she had plenty left over. We were torn, torn between denying her ‘a once-in-a-lifetime’ opportunity and drawing a line in the sand. Yet, we chose to draw a line in the sand. We resisted the urge to align with her, or to briefly enjoy feeling close and generous. It cost money to rebook her an earlier flight home - which seemed counterintuitive, but we felt compelled to make it clear that the parent bank was not limitless. It felt mean and it also felt appropriate. Was it the right action? Who knows? We don’t get a trial run at parenting. Years on, she remains deeply grateful for the San Jose experience and, surprisingly, she never resented the early flight home, she actually accepted our reasoning. Amazing! Sometimes hard decisions reap surprisingly positive rewards. 


When Sue Chandler from Transformative Schools met with our Year 12 parents recently, she spoke a lot about how best to frame conversations with our autonomy-seeking adolescents. There were reminders about utilising initial ‘I’ statements to frame frustrations or concerns:


“I’ve noticed that…” 

“…you’ve been finding it hard to get up in the morning…”

“…you didn’t get the jobs done that I asked you to…” 

“…you were really short with me in the car this morning…”

“…you don’t seem yourself…” 


Finish by asking, “Can you fill me in?” or “What’s going on?”


Further, Sue suggests that you let your daughter know why you are bringing up the problem. Share your concerns and be specific – Is it about her learning? Is it about friends? Is it about school or family expectations? Has the family dynamic shifted significantly?


“So, the thing is…” or “I’m worried that…” or “If this was to continue, my concern is…”


Frame the problem: “I wonder if there is a way, we can address…(your concern)…AND…(my concern)?” 


Give your daughter first go. “Do you have any ideas?” Provide help if needed or ask if you can offer some suggestions. Any idea is a good idea. Litmus test: Does it address the concern for both your daughter and for you? Finally, agree on a solution worth trying.


Oh, if it were that simple! It’s not – it is parenting after all. But those small steps in framing conversations even just a little differently, remembering that our tone of voice often matters more than our actual words, along with utilising the Archie Roach deep listening methodology, when combined, do make an effective recipe for positive communication. Damour (2020) reminds us that “much of what bothers [adolescents] cannot be solved. We can’t fix their broken hearts, prevent their social dramas, or do anything about the fact that they have three huge tests scheduled for the same day. But having a problem is not nearly so bad as feeling utterly alone with it.” Listen well but don’t take over their troubles – to do so robs them of the gift of autonomy.




Dr Linda Evans | Principal



REFERENCES

A Parents’ Guide to Dealing with Difficult Teenage Daughters » Newport Academy.

Damour, L. (2020). Why Teenagers Reject Parents’ Solutions to Their Problems »  The New York Times

Lahey, J. (2016). The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. New York. NY. Harper Collins

Ward, D. (2022). 10 Tips to Difficult Conversations with Teens and Adult Children »




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By Sarah Richardson January 31, 2025
Beginning. Starting. Commencing. What does beginning well actually look like? Sometimes when we expect a perfect start, we overlook the quiet power of simply showing up, the world is run by those who show up. Those people who never, ever ring the bell, those people who show up, even when it is hard to do so, especially when it is hard to do so. Brene Brown reminds us that “the willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time we do.” In enacting bravery, it is important to start small if that’s what it takes. American Naval Admiral, William McRaven says this: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. If you can’t do the little things right, then you will never do the big things right.” He believes in persistence. His mantra is this: don’t ever, ever ring the bell. He refers to the initial training for the United States of America Navy Sea, Air, and Land Teams the SEALS. Their initial training sees more than 80 percent of participants drop out. During this training, a brass bell hangs in the center of the room for all the students to see. If they find the work too hard. If they decide against becoming a SEAL. All they have to do to quit—is to ring the bell. Ring the bell and they no longer have to wake up at 5 o’clock. Ring the bell and they no longer have to complete freezing cold swims. Ring the bell and they no longer have to endure long runs carrying heavy weights, the obstacle courses, or to suffer the hardships of training. Just ring the bell and it’s all over. When exhausted SEAL candidates reach their breaking point, they haul themselves to the bell and ring it three times. The sound echoes through the training grounds and announces publicly that another candidate has “opted out.” All they have to do is ring the bell. Just ring the bell and the hard work stops. I wonder if Lilli Hamilton (Queensland cricketer and HEAT member) rang the bell when Cricket training no longer felt like it was fun, or if Alex Edwards (Australian Orienteering representative) opted out of orienteering because frankly, the distance was too far, or if Scarlett Sippell (Emus National Youth Touch Football Squad member) gave up because training was too tough …. what they would miss out on … When we opt out, even when it is hard, we also miss out on possibilities. There are so many opportunities at Fairholme to achieve one’s best - academically. In the Arts. In Sport. Opportunities to serve others. To be a good friend – a good person. But then again, if any of those things are too hard, all anyone has to do is – opt out. Say it’s too hard. Say they didn’t get selected in the right team. Say their teachers didn’t give them the right results. Say they weren’t given the right position. Text their parents and tell them that Fairholme is awful. All they have to do, is ring the bell. Yet, if we want to change the world, If we want to get the best out of this year at Fairholme, whatever that involves - never ever give up. Start small, aim big. Always show up. Don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever ring the bell. The most meaningful changes in life are often built in the times that no one sees, and, importantly, in the daily decision to simply show up, and to show up for others. When my daughter, Natalie was twenty-one, she began her teaching career at an Autism specialty school in Brixton, London. She would phone me often: for advice, for debriefing, for re-setting – her school was classified as being in Special Measures – it was on the brink of closure. Often, when she phoned to describe her day – to talk about the boys in her class, all aged 12 or 13, it went a little like this: “Today, Mashley threw a chair through a window because he didn’t like the activity we were doing. I had to break up a fight at lunch. Jerome pulled a knife on me. Three boys in my class have joined gangs.” I wanted to say: “Natalie: get another job. That one is too dangerous.” I wanted to fly her home from London, immediately. I had to stop the urge to board the next plane to London and rescue her. But my advice to her – was this: Show up. Keep showing up. No matter how you feel… Get up, dress up, show up: don’t give up. These kids need to know that someone cares enough to show up. After all, when we show up for others, we can affect the most profound of changes. I am always intrigued about who shows up here at Fairholme – especially at difficult times. In 2011 when floods ravaged Toowoomba and so much of Fairholme was flooded – staff showed up - in their holidays. They turned up to rip up carpets, move furniture, clean floors, and walls. Last year, in the sadness of Sess’ passing our community showed up, in droves, with deep compassion – importantly, our community showed up for one another. I think of 2024 Year 12s who showed up for others, after they had officially finished attending classes at and were preparing for or undertaking their external exams. Lizzy Kelly and Ciara Teahan showed up to play in the stage band, for the Year 11 Leaders Assembly, so that the group could perform at its best. Roma Aarons came to an Assembly in November to share a fabulous rendition of ‘Hotel California’. On a Sunday morning, early in December, graduated students Rachel Yap, Alana Callaghan, Amelia Ramia and Roma Aarons, showed up at Rosies to prepare food for Toowoomba people who don’t have easy access to basic necessities. After last year’s Interschool Athletics Carnival, Clare Hogan noticed staff picking up loads of lost property and carrying it into the Assembly Hall. She asked – Can I help? When we show up, especially when it is for others, especially when it’s hard, we learn a lot about ourselves and others. 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Fairholme College student Zoe Hurford is currently living the dream as part of an exchange program with the prestigious Rugby School in England. Her time abroad has been filled with memorable moments, cultural discoveries, and a deep appreciation for the warmth and support of the Rugby School community. ‘The Rugby School is incredible," Zoe shares enthusiastically. ‘My time here is disintegrating far too quickly, and there is so much more I want to do. Everyone is really welcoming and supportive—staff and students—and I cannot wait to make more memories with them all.’ Zoe recently had the chance to address the entire school during Chapel. In her speech, she highlighted Fairholme's rich history and shared some amusing observations about differences between Australia and the UK. Her witty recount of answering common questions about Australia had the audience in stitches. ‘Yes, I’ve seen a kangaroo. No, I don’t look under every chair in case something is sitting under it. Yes, there are spiders. No, I wouldn’t recommend trying to beat up a kangaroo,’ she joked, bringing a taste of Aussie humour to the English school. As part of her exchange, Zoe has embraced Rugby 7s as her chosen sport and is relishing every muddy moment on the pitch. ‘I am absolutely loving it, even though the pitches are always muddy—it’s too cold for them to dry. Returning to Bradley covered in mud has become a ritual. I’ve loved learning more about the game and am excited to improve my skills in the coming weeks.’ Adjusting to the academic life at Rugby School has been a challenge Zoe has embraced with determination. ‘My classes have been really good, more so now that I can actually find them,’ she laughs. ‘There’s a clear distinction between the work I’ve done and what they are doing here, but with my classmates' help, I’m getting fairly comfortable with the topics.’ No update about England would be complete without a mention of the weather. Zoe finds it surprisingly manageable. ‘It’s definitely cold, some days more than others, but it isn’t as cold as I was expecting. It doesn’t have Toowoomba’s harsh winds, so that makes a big difference,’ she says. However, the shorter daylight hours have been a noticeable change. ‘By 4 p.m., it’s dark, which makes doing afternoon activities a lot harder. And sadly, my farmer’s tan is slowly disappearing—a reality I’m still coming to terms with.’ As Zoe continues to immerse herself in this transformative experience, she remains grateful for the opportunity to represent Fairholme College and explore all that Rugby School has to offer.
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Beginning. Starting. Commencing. What does beginning well actually look like? Sometimes when we expect a perfect start, we overlook the quiet power of simply showing up, the world is run by those who show up. Those people who never, ever ring the bell, those people who show up, even when it is hard to do so, especially when it is hard to do so. Brene Brown reminds us that “the willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time we do.” In enacting bravery, it is important to start small if that’s what it takes. American Naval Admiral, William McRaven says this: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. If you can’t do the little things right, then you will never do the big things right.” He believes in persistence. His mantra is this: don’t ever, ever ring the bell. He refers to the initial training for the United States of America Navy Sea, Air, and Land Teams the SEALS. Their initial training sees more than 80 percent of participants drop out. During this training, a brass bell hangs in the center of the room for all the students to see. If they find the work too hard. If they decide against becoming a SEAL. All they have to do to quit—is to ring the bell. Ring the bell and they no longer have to wake up at 5 o’clock. Ring the bell and they no longer have to complete freezing cold swims. Ring the bell and they no longer have to endure long runs carrying heavy weights, the obstacle courses, or to suffer the hardships of training. Just ring the bell and it’s all over. When exhausted SEAL candidates reach their breaking point, they haul themselves to the bell and ring it three times. The sound echoes through the training grounds and announces publicly that another candidate has “opted out.” All they have to do is ring the bell. Just ring the bell and the hard work stops. I wonder if Lilli Hamilton (Queensland cricketer and HEAT member) rang the bell when Cricket training no longer felt like it was fun, or if Alex Edwards (Australian Orienteering representative) opted out of orienteering because frankly, the distance was too far, or if Scarlett Sippell (Emus National Youth Touch Football Squad member) gave up because training was too tough …. what they would miss out on … When we opt out, even when it is hard, we also miss out on possibilities. There are so many opportunities at Fairholme to achieve one’s best - academically. In the Arts. In Sport. Opportunities to serve others. To be a good friend – a good person. But then again, if any of those things are too hard, all anyone has to do is – opt out. Say it’s too hard. Say they didn’t get selected in the right team. Say their teachers didn’t give them the right results. Say they weren’t given the right position. Text their parents and tell them that Fairholme is awful. All they have to do, is ring the bell. Yet, if we want to change the world, If we want to get the best out of this year at Fairholme, whatever that involves - never ever give up. Start small, aim big. Always show up. Don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever ring the bell. The most meaningful changes in life are often built in the times that no one sees, and, importantly, in the daily decision to simply show up, and to show up for others. When my daughter, Natalie was twenty-one, she began her teaching career at an Autism specialty school in Brixton, London. She would phone me often: for advice, for debriefing, for re-setting – her school was classified as being in Special Measures – it was on the brink of closure. Often, when she phoned to describe her day – to talk about the boys in her class, all aged 12 or 13, it went a little like this: “Today, Mashley threw a chair through a window because he didn’t like the activity we were doing. I had to break up a fight at lunch. Jerome pulled a knife on me. Three boys in my class have joined gangs.” I wanted to say: “Natalie: get another job. That one is too dangerous.” I wanted to fly her home from London, immediately. I had to stop the urge to board the next plane to London and rescue her. But my advice to her – was this: Show up. Keep showing up. No matter how you feel… Get up, dress up, show up: don’t give up. These kids need to know that someone cares enough to show up. After all, when we show up for others, we can affect the most profound of changes. I am always intrigued about who shows up here at Fairholme – especially at difficult times. In 2011 when floods ravaged Toowoomba and so much of Fairholme was flooded – staff showed up - in their holidays. They turned up to rip up carpets, move furniture, clean floors, and walls. Last year, in the sadness of Sess’ passing our community showed up, in droves, with deep compassion – importantly, our community showed up for one another. I think of 2024 Year 12s who showed up for others, after they had officially finished attending classes at and were preparing for or undertaking their external exams. Lizzy Kelly and Ciara Teahan showed up to play in the stage band, for the Year 11 Leaders Assembly, so that the group could perform at its best. Roma Aarons came to an Assembly in November to share a fabulous rendition of ‘Hotel California’. On a Sunday morning, early in December, graduated students Rachel Yap, Alana Callaghan, Amelia Ramia and Roma Aarons, showed up at Rosies to prepare food for Toowoomba people who don’t have easy access to basic necessities. After last year’s Interschool Athletics Carnival, Clare Hogan noticed staff picking up loads of lost property and carrying it into the Assembly Hall. She asked – Can I help? When we show up, especially when it is for others, especially when it’s hard, we learn a lot about ourselves and others. The students at the school where my daughter taught in Brixton, London – needed teachers to show up, they needed people to notice them, they needed interest, care, attention. They needed to know that they mattered. The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time, particularly when we show up for others. Show up. Keep showing up. Show up for others. And remember the advice of Naval Admiral, William McRaven … even when it’s hard, don’t ever, ever ring the bell. Begin well, continue well, finish well. Dr Linda Evans │Principal
By Sarah Richardson January 23, 2025
Fairholme College student Zoe Hurford is currently living the dream as part of an exchange program with the prestigious Rugby School in England. Her time abroad has been filled with memorable moments, cultural discoveries, and a deep appreciation for the warmth and support of the Rugby School community. ‘The Rugby School is incredible," Zoe shares enthusiastically. ‘My time here is disintegrating far too quickly, and there is so much more I want to do. Everyone is really welcoming and supportive—staff and students—and I cannot wait to make more memories with them all.’ Zoe recently had the chance to address the entire school during Chapel. In her speech, she highlighted Fairholme's rich history and shared some amusing observations about differences between Australia and the UK. Her witty recount of answering common questions about Australia had the audience in stitches. ‘Yes, I’ve seen a kangaroo. No, I don’t look under every chair in case something is sitting under it. Yes, there are spiders. No, I wouldn’t recommend trying to beat up a kangaroo,’ she joked, bringing a taste of Aussie humour to the English school. As part of her exchange, Zoe has embraced Rugby 7s as her chosen sport and is relishing every muddy moment on the pitch. ‘I am absolutely loving it, even though the pitches are always muddy—it’s too cold for them to dry. Returning to Bradley covered in mud has become a ritual. I’ve loved learning more about the game and am excited to improve my skills in the coming weeks.’ Adjusting to the academic life at Rugby School has been a challenge Zoe has embraced with determination. ‘My classes have been really good, more so now that I can actually find them,’ she laughs. ‘There’s a clear distinction between the work I’ve done and what they are doing here, but with my classmates' help, I’m getting fairly comfortable with the topics.’ No update about England would be complete without a mention of the weather. Zoe finds it surprisingly manageable. ‘It’s definitely cold, some days more than others, but it isn’t as cold as I was expecting. It doesn’t have Toowoomba’s harsh winds, so that makes a big difference,’ she says. However, the shorter daylight hours have been a noticeable change. ‘By 4 p.m., it’s dark, which makes doing afternoon activities a lot harder. And sadly, my farmer’s tan is slowly disappearing—a reality I’m still coming to terms with.’ As Zoe continues to immerse herself in this transformative experience, she remains grateful for the opportunity to represent Fairholme College and explore all that Rugby School has to offer.
By Sarah Richardson January 20, 2025
Fairholme College has officially launched its High-Performance Sport Program, an innovative initiative aimed at supporting student athletes in achieving their sporting and academic goals. The launch marked a significant milestone in the College’s ongoing commitment to empowering young women through both education and sport. Olympian and Fairholme Old Girl Tatum Stewart was the guest of honour, returning to her alma mater to help unveil the program. ‘It’s super exciting for these Fairholme students to have the exposure to this High-Performance Program. Looking back, if I had an opportunity like this, it definitely would have catapulted me even sooner into the high-performance sporting world,’ said Tatum. Casey Reynoldson, Fairholme’s newly appointed Head of High Performance, also sharing her vision for the program and her extensive experience in elite sports. Casey brings a wealth of expertise to the program, having studied Exercise Science, a Bachelor of Exercise Physiology, and completed a Masters of Secondary Teaching. She recently returned from the University of Yale, where she conducted a research project, adding further depth to her leadership of the program. ‘I’m incredibly excited to lead this new chapter for Fairholme’s athletes,’ said Casey. ‘The program is designed to help them enhance their athletic performance while providing them with the tools needed to balance the challenges of sport and academics.’ The program includes tailored strength and conditioning plans, load management strategies, recovery programs, fitness testing, and academic support. A highlight of the launch was the live demonstration of the program’s state-of-the-art timing gates, which will help athletes track and improve their performance. Fairholme has a proud legacy of athletic excellence, producing Olympians like Tatum Stewart, Dom Du Toit, Emilee Cherry, Cathy Freeman, and Dannielle Leisch. This year alone, over 130 Fairholme teams competed locally, with 450+ girls excelling in individual sports, 127 Darling Downs Representatives, and 21 Queensland athletes! This new program is set to propel Fairholme’s athletes to even greater success, reinforcing the College’s commitment to fostering the next generation of sporting champions.
All News
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