Abled Or Enabled?
May 30, 2022
‘In the therapeutic world, an enabler is someone who habitually allows a family member or close friend to make choices that can result in harm.’ (Kirby, 2022)
Recently, I sat and listened to Australian of the Year, Dylan Alcott, share a little of his life narrative. As always, I am entranced by someone else’s story, particularly when it challenges me to think differently about my own perceptions. The following day, I began reading one of my Mother’s Day gifts: ‘Atlas of the Heart’ by Brene Brown. Alcott and Brown are textually different, but their threads share a similar quality when we ponder the ways in which parenting can enable or ‘able’ our children. Brown recounts her own complex childhood where uncertainty about parental reaction and response left her hypervigilant. By default, her parents abled her survival and resilience capabilities, but the process left her acutely anxious. Alcott, conversely, was parented to be able, despite a disability. It’s all about the ‘en’, or its absence.
One of Alcott’s opening stories was of childhood, sharing Saturday morning television with his brother, Zack. Whomever held the television remote had the power: a scenario with which we can all identify. Zack learned quickly that if he needed to go to the bathroom during a television binge, then he needed to take the remote control with him. He knew, that by placing it on top of the fridge, it was safe from Dylan’s grasp. At this point in the story telling, Dylan turned to the audience and asked: was this a good thing or a bad thing? Hands shot up – there was disparate mumbling – some were saying yes, others definitively no. He asked an audience member was it good or bad? The answer – ‘it was good because your brother treated you as an equal.’ Alcott agreed – ‘it was good because it would have been so easy for my parents to give me everything, to erase any struggle, to smooth my way. To make Zack give me the television remote, every time. But they didn’t – and for that I am so grateful.’ Their actions led to Alcott’s abled view of the world.
I love this example – it speaks eloquently to me as a parent, it questions the line between enabling and ‘abling’ and the destructive influence of the ‘en’. Because I too am guilty of lapses of smoothing the way for my children – of metaphorically handing them the television remote when they seek it out. Inadvertently, disabling, disempowering, and immobilising. Too easily, we forget that it is in struggle that we find both ourselves and our determination to do things differently. It is in the deep pit of struggle that we plot our means of escape, we solve problems, and we ‘able’ ourselves to become our own person. Parents instinctively want to protect their child, to advocate their position and to rescue them from disappointment. Too often, in the interests of peace and family harmony, misguided kindness – or self-preservation, we find ourselves providing instant gratification to our children (Kirby, 2022) – irrespective of their age.
Psychologists have long recognised that distress often promotes maturation. We grow from feeling the sting of a mistake. We learn from losing, missing out and waiting our turn. Weathering setbacks, with support from the people who love us, helps us learn to manage disappointment. Psychologist, Holly Schfiffin writes in the Journal of Child and Family Studiesthat parents who over-help, who enable their children a life without stress, steal their children’s ability to make decisions and thus ensure that their children are ill-prepared for life as adults. Autonomy has profound benefit for kids of all ages. Studies link autonomy to long-term motivation, independence, confidence, and better executive function. As a child gets older, autonomy is associated with better performance in school and a decreased risk of drug and alcohol abuse. ‘Like exercise and sleep, it is good for virtually everything,’ neuropsychologist William Stixrud and educator Ned Johnson write in their book The Self-Driven Child.
The fundamental paradox of parenting, though, is that we are responsible for our children and yet we cannot possibly be responsible for them. A wise practitioner puts it this way: ‘children are clay in your hands, and they are also the rocks that break your hands.’ Our role is to allow our children to also mould the clay, to endure the breakages, and to learn that for every action, there is a consequence and an opportunity to learn. Let us not cause harm as enablers, even when we have the noblest of intention – let our children be able – able to manage the tv remote battle for themselves.
Dr Linda Evans | Principal
REFERENCES
Castelino, L. (2016). Behind Every Entitled Kid Is an Enabling Parent » ‘The Huffington Post’ Retrieved 15 May 2022.
Damour, L. (2019). Drawing the Line Between Helping and Helicoptering » ‘The New York Times’ Retrieved 15 May 2022 .
Doucleff, M. (2022). A 4-year-old can run errands alone… and not just on reality TV. Goats and Soda: stories of life in a changing world » Retrieved 15 May 2022.
Heath, C. (1999). ‘On the Social Psychology of Agency Relationships: Lay Theories of Motivation Overemphasize Extrinsic Incentives’ Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes Vol. 78, No. 1, April, pp. 25–62, 1999.
Kirby, S. (2022). How to Stop Enabling Grown Children and Why It’s Important » Retrieved 15 May 2022.
Winter, J. (2022). The Harsh Realm of Gentle Parenting » ‘The New Yorker’ March 23. 2022. Retrieved 15 May 202.
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Off the back of her selection in the Queensland team, set to compete at the Australian Schools Swimming Championship in Brisbane in July, Year 8 student Mia Geise talks about her record breaking journey in the face of adversity. How did you get into swimming, and have you always swum competitively? When I was two years old my older brother Henry was taking learn to swim lessons at Fairholme, and I used to go along with my parents and was wanting to join in. It is funny to think back, that as a two-year-old I started learn to swim lessons with Mrs Dickinson and she used to tell the instructors to, ‘watch out for Mia as she will jump in the pool when you’re not looking’. I had no fear and just wanted to get on with it. All the instructors and swim coaches were aware that I had received a liver transplant when I was not even 4 months old. They were very supportive of me, and I went through the learn to swim grades. I commenced swimming competitively at meets when I was about 7 years old and swam for the Junior School at Andrews Cup. In Year 4 my health took a turn, and the doctors told my parents that I needed another transplant. The family moved to Brisbane to prepare. As I got sicker, I had to give up my favourite activities, including swimming which was really hard. I had a second transplant in Year 5, and six weeks after that, I was feeling healthy again, back at swim squad, but not competing. I returned to Fairholme at the beginning of Year 7 where my THRIVE teacher Mrs Aleesa Barton mentioned to me that I might be eligible to compete in multi class sport events. When I talked to Dad, he thought it was a great opportunity for me and got me registered to compete in multi class swimming and athletics. I was swimming in Fitness Squad at the time and with the encouragement of the Development Coach Mr Michael (Mick) Winton I returned to swim squad under his guidance. That was about nine months ago, and in November 2024, I resumed swimming competitively after more than a three year break. My goals at my first meet was to set new times to simply enable me to swim in multi class events at the Queensland Swimming Championships in December last year. The unexpected happened... I not only set some new times which allowed me to swim at the Queensland Championships, but I set National qualifying times. This was the start of what has been an extraordinary past six months where I have achieved more than I ever thought was possible. What does your weekly training schedule look like? I currently swim up to three times a week with the Development Squad under the guidance of my coach, Mr Mick Winton, and I also participate in two lighter sessions with the Fitness Squad. In addition to swimming, I incorporate a gym session at school to focus on strengthening. During the cross country and track and field seasons, I adjust my training by reducing the number of swim sessions and replacing them with two running sessions to maintain my conditioning. What do you love about swimming? It isn’t all about training and competition. I have made lovely friendships with my squad members and the young women I compete against. Do you have a favourite stroke? Breaststroke is by far my best stroke and is definitely my favourite. I enjoy the feeling when going through (almost cutting) the water when I am swimming breaststroke. You are off to Nationals in July, do you have any goals for this meet? I am selected for multi-class 50m and 100m Breaststroke and 200m Mixed Medley Relay Team A (Breaststroke). Even though I am at the younger end of the 13-15 age group if I swim personal best times, I will be competitive in my individual events. My goal is for personal bests and top 6 finishes, anything better than that will be a bonus. In the Mixed Medley, we have a real chance of a top 2 finish. It is going to be an exciting 3 days for Coach Mick and me; I am looking forward to it! Do you have any long-term sporting goals? My dad says that slow and steady wins the race when it comes to long-term progression in sport and to not get ahead of myself. We take every training block and swim meet as stepping stones to continue with setting personal best times that will in the future hopefully make me the best junior multi-class breaststroker in Australia. If I achieve this, it has potential to open pathways to gain selection in junior teams to compete internationally. Is there anyone particular who inspires you? Alexa Leary – A multi-class swimmer and Paralympics gold medallist, and world record holder. Four years ago, while training for triathlon Alexa had a horrible crash on her bike that left her with brain damage and weakness down her right side. Alexa’s courage and determination to learn to speak and walk again and go on to swim for Australia at a Paralympics is extraordinary. It gives me the chills. MEDALS Australian Age and Multi Class Age Championships Bronze: 12–13 Years 50m Breaststroke Queensland Representative Schools Championships Bronze: 13–15 Years 50m Breaststroke Bronze: 13–15 Years 100m Breaststroke Queensland Championships Silver: Open 100m Breaststroke Bronze: Open 50m Breaststroke Silver: 12–14 Years 50m and 100m Breaststroke Silver: 12–14 Years 50m and 100m Backstroke Queensland Sprint Championships Silver: 12–14 Years 50m Breaststroke RECORDS Australian Records Long Course: Open: 50m, 100m, and 200m Breaststroke (three records) 13 Years and Under: 50m, 100m, and 200m Breaststroke (three records) Short Course: Open: 100m Breaststroke and 100m Medley (two records) 13 Years and Under: 50m and 100m Backstroke, 50m and 100m Breaststroke, 100m Medley (five records) Queensland Records Long Course: Open: 50m, 100m, and 200m Breaststroke; 50m and 100m Backstroke (five records) 13 Years: 50m and 100m Freestyle, 50m and 100m Breaststroke, 50m & 100m Backstroke (six records) 12 Years: 50m and 100m Freestyle, 50m, 100m and 200m Breaststroke, 50m and 100m Backstroke (seven records) (Note: No Queensland Short Course records are maintained for Multi Class)
To find your calling in life—and to feel a deep connection to a vocation—is a special thing. For Sophie Byatt, that calling has always been clear: she knew from a young age that she wanted to care for and serve others. A career in healthcare is calling her. Now in Year 11, Sophie is undertaking the Health Services Advanced Pathway Program through Fairholme’s Health Hub—a fully equipped, on-campus simulated hospital ward with an Allied Health station. The Fairholme Health Hub is a unique offering in skilling our next generation of health professionals. For girls like Sophie, it has provided the opportunity to learn and explore a job in healthcare in real time. After successfully completing Certificates II and III in Health Support Services, Sophie has enrolled in the STATIM Micro-credential Program. This unique initiative allows her to gain hands-on experience by taking shifts in hospitals and aged care facilities under the guidance of registered nurse mentors. Learning on the job is giving Sophie—and other students like her— the skills and confidence to get a head start in their healthcare careers. Sophie’s mother, Tamika Byatt, says the program has opened countless doors and given Sophie the clarity that a career in health is the right path for her. Through her work caring for the elderly, sick, and vulnerable in the community, Sophie has also connected with Fairholme Old Girls and former staff members. These experiences have deepened her sense of purpose and commitment to serving others. Looking ahead, Sophie plans to study a Bachelor of Nursing at the University of Southern Queensland in 2027, with aspirations to specialise in paediatrics or midwifery. Well done to each of our Year 11 and Year 12 students who have recently completed the STATIM Micro-credential Program: Sophie Byatt, Serah Vimal, Olivia Kennedy and Lucy Schwennesen. For more information, visit Fairholme Pathways Program .
As a regional centre, Toowoomba has long been known for its charm, heritage and lifestyle – but in recent years, it has also become one of Queensland’s most exciting and dynamic growth corridors. After listening to demographer, Simon Kuestenmacher, recently, Toowoomba has a growing importance as Australia’s second largest regional hub, reflected by both population growth and economic data. For families choosing to live and educate their children in this region, there is much to celebrate – and a great reason to be optimistic about the future. Over recent weeks, I had the great honour of attending the ICPA (Isolated Children’s Parens’ Association) State Conference in St George – an inspiring gathering of parents, educators and community leaders passionate about ensuring equity in education for rural and remote students. What struck me most was the deep commitment to connection – to building strong pathways for children no matter where they live, and to strengthening the regions that sustain them. This theme could not be more relevant. Our city continues to experience significant population growth, attracting families not only from metropolitan areas but also from across Northern New South Wales. As the gateway to the Darling Downs and the south-west, Toowoomba services a vast catchment and this demand is driving impressive investment in infrastructure and opportunity, particularly in the health sector. Healthcare is currently the largest employer in the Toowoomba region, accounting for one in every five local jobs. That’s 20% of our regional workforce engaged in caring for others (Toowoomba Regional Council Economic Profile, 2023/4). This is only growing. With the new Toowoomba Hospital on the horizon (Queensland Government Darling Downs Health, 2025) and an ever-increasing demand to service areas throughout Queensland and Northern New South Wales, the need for dedicated, well-trained health professional has never been more urgent. And yet, as health services expand, there is a growing shortage o f workers – particularly in nursing, allied health, mental health and aged care. The good news is that regional students who study and train locally are far more likely to stay, live and work in those same communities (Regional Universities Network, NA). They – the young women in our classrooms now – are the future of our region. That is why I am so proud of the work happening in our College’s Health Hub. This innovative space is more than just a classroom – it is a launch pad. It’s where curiosity meets compassion and where students begin to imagine how they might make a positive impact. In 2024, Health was the single largest study area for our students – a strong sign that our young women are listening to the needs of their community and leaning into service. Our partnership program with Mater Education and on-the job options with STATIM Regional Health Solutions is already providing students with real work learning opportunities and micro credentialling to give them a head start with their future pathways. I recently received one of the loveliest letters I have e ver received in my time as an educator, from a grateful son whose mother had been provided care by one of our girls during work experience. He shared that ‘although this student’s genuine kindness is exceptional to our mind, I have no doubt that it is indicative of the values that are instilled in your Fairholme students more generally.’ With over a dozen of our current Year 12 girls eagerly preparing to sit their medical entry exams through UCAT preparations, this touching tribute to our students and staff could not be more fitting. With a rapidly changing world, there is no doubt that health remains one of the most stable and essential sectors – both now and into the future. But more than that, it is a deeply human profession. Whether our graduates go on to become doctors, nurses, paramedics, allied health professionals or researchers, we know they will be making an impact that matters. Toowoomba is not just growing - it is thriving. And as educators, we are excited to be helping shape a generation who will contribute meaningfully to that growth. Our College is proud to stand at the intersection of education, innovation and community service. To each of our families - thank you. Thank you for the sacrifices you make, the values you instil and the trust you place in us. The ICPA reminded me once again of the strength that exists in our rural and regional families - and of how important it is that our schools honour that strength with opportunity. The future looks bright – and I have every confidence it will be even brighter with our graduates at the helm. Have a restful break and I look forward to seeing you and your daughters back for an exciting and inspiring second semester. Dr Leigh Hobart Principal
More News…
Off the back of her selection in the Queensland team, set to compete at the Australian Schools Swimming Championship in Brisbane in July, Year 8 student Mia Geise talks about her record breaking journey in the face of adversity. How did you get into swimming, and have you always swum competitively? When I was two years old my older brother Henry was taking learn to swim lessons at Fairholme, and I used to go along with my parents and was wanting to join in. It is funny to think back, that as a two-year-old I started learn to swim lessons with Mrs Dickinson and she used to tell the instructors to, ‘watch out for Mia as she will jump in the pool when you’re not looking’. I had no fear and just wanted to get on with it. All the instructors and swim coaches were aware that I had received a liver transplant when I was not even 4 months old. They were very supportive of me, and I went through the learn to swim grades. I commenced swimming competitively at meets when I was about 7 years old and swam for the Junior School at Andrews Cup. In Year 4 my health took a turn, and the doctors told my parents that I needed another transplant. The family moved to Brisbane to prepare. As I got sicker, I had to give up my favourite activities, including swimming which was really hard. I had a second transplant in Year 5, and six weeks after that, I was feeling healthy again, back at swim squad, but not competing. I returned to Fairholme at the beginning of Year 7 where my THRIVE teacher Mrs Aleesa Barton mentioned to me that I might be eligible to compete in multi class sport events. When I talked to Dad, he thought it was a great opportunity for me and got me registered to compete in multi class swimming and athletics. I was swimming in Fitness Squad at the time and with the encouragement of the Development Coach Mr Michael (Mick) Winton I returned to swim squad under his guidance. That was about nine months ago, and in November 2024, I resumed swimming competitively after more than a three year break. My goals at my first meet was to set new times to simply enable me to swim in multi class events at the Queensland Swimming Championships in December last year. The unexpected happened... I not only set some new times which allowed me to swim at the Queensland Championships, but I set National qualifying times. This was the start of what has been an extraordinary past six months where I have achieved more than I ever thought was possible. What does your weekly training schedule look like? I currently swim up to three times a week with the Development Squad under the guidance of my coach, Mr Mick Winton, and I also participate in two lighter sessions with the Fitness Squad. In addition to swimming, I incorporate a gym session at school to focus on strengthening. During the cross country and track and field seasons, I adjust my training by reducing the number of swim sessions and replacing them with two running sessions to maintain my conditioning. What do you love about swimming? It isn’t all about training and competition. I have made lovely friendships with my squad members and the young women I compete against. Do you have a favourite stroke? Breaststroke is by far my best stroke and is definitely my favourite. I enjoy the feeling when going through (almost cutting) the water when I am swimming breaststroke. You are off to Nationals in July, do you have any goals for this meet? I am selected for multi-class 50m and 100m Breaststroke and 200m Mixed Medley Relay Team A (Breaststroke). Even though I am at the younger end of the 13-15 age group if I swim personal best times, I will be competitive in my individual events. My goal is for personal bests and top 6 finishes, anything better than that will be a bonus. In the Mixed Medley, we have a real chance of a top 2 finish. It is going to be an exciting 3 days for Coach Mick and me; I am looking forward to it! Do you have any long-term sporting goals? My dad says that slow and steady wins the race when it comes to long-term progression in sport and to not get ahead of myself. We take every training block and swim meet as stepping stones to continue with setting personal best times that will in the future hopefully make me the best junior multi-class breaststroker in Australia. If I achieve this, it has potential to open pathways to gain selection in junior teams to compete internationally. Is there anyone particular who inspires you? Alexa Leary – A multi-class swimmer and Paralympics gold medallist, and world record holder. Four years ago, while training for triathlon Alexa had a horrible crash on her bike that left her with brain damage and weakness down her right side. Alexa’s courage and determination to learn to speak and walk again and go on to swim for Australia at a Paralympics is extraordinary. It gives me the chills. MEDALS Australian Age and Multi Class Age Championships Bronze: 12–13 Years 50m Breaststroke Queensland Representative Schools Championships Bronze: 13–15 Years 50m Breaststroke Bronze: 13–15 Years 100m Breaststroke Queensland Championships Silver: Open 100m Breaststroke Bronze: Open 50m Breaststroke Silver: 12–14 Years 50m and 100m Breaststroke Silver: 12–14 Years 50m and 100m Backstroke Queensland Sprint Championships Silver: 12–14 Years 50m Breaststroke RECORDS Australian Records Long Course: Open: 50m, 100m, and 200m Breaststroke (three records) 13 Years and Under: 50m, 100m, and 200m Breaststroke (three records) Short Course: Open: 100m Breaststroke and 100m Medley (two records) 13 Years and Under: 50m and 100m Backstroke, 50m and 100m Breaststroke, 100m Medley (five records) Queensland Records Long Course: Open: 50m, 100m, and 200m Breaststroke; 50m and 100m Backstroke (five records) 13 Years: 50m and 100m Freestyle, 50m and 100m Breaststroke, 50m & 100m Backstroke (six records) 12 Years: 50m and 100m Freestyle, 50m, 100m and 200m Breaststroke, 50m and 100m Backstroke (seven records) (Note: No Queensland Short Course records are maintained for Multi Class)
To find your calling in life—and to feel a deep connection to a vocation—is a special thing. For Sophie Byatt, that calling has always been clear: she knew from a young age that she wanted to care for and serve others. A career in healthcare is calling her. Now in Year 11, Sophie is undertaking the Health Services Advanced Pathway Program through Fairholme’s Health Hub—a fully equipped, on-campus simulated hospital ward with an Allied Health station. The Fairholme Health Hub is a unique offering in skilling our next generation of health professionals. For girls like Sophie, it has provided the opportunity to learn and explore a job in healthcare in real time. After successfully completing Certificates II and III in Health Support Services, Sophie has enrolled in the STATIM Micro-credential Program. This unique initiative allows her to gain hands-on experience by taking shifts in hospitals and aged care facilities under the guidance of registered nurse mentors. Learning on the job is giving Sophie—and other students like her— the skills and confidence to get a head start in their healthcare careers. Sophie’s mother, Tamika Byatt, says the program has opened countless doors and given Sophie the clarity that a career in health is the right path for her. Through her work caring for the elderly, sick, and vulnerable in the community, Sophie has also connected with Fairholme Old Girls and former staff members. These experiences have deepened her sense of purpose and commitment to serving others. Looking ahead, Sophie plans to study a Bachelor of Nursing at the University of Southern Queensland in 2027, with aspirations to specialise in paediatrics or midwifery. Well done to each of our Year 11 and Year 12 students who have recently completed the STATIM Micro-credential Program: Sophie Byatt, Serah Vimal, Olivia Kennedy and Lucy Schwennesen. For more information, visit Fairholme Pathways Program .
As a regional centre, Toowoomba has long been known for its charm, heritage and lifestyle – but in recent years, it has also become one of Queensland’s most exciting and dynamic growth corridors. After listening to demographer, Simon Kuestenmacher, recently, Toowoomba has a growing importance as Australia’s second largest regional hub, reflected by both population growth and economic data. For families choosing to live and educate their children in this region, there is much to celebrate – and a great reason to be optimistic about the future. Over recent weeks, I had the great honour of attending the ICPA (Isolated Children’s Parens’ Association) State Conference in St George – an inspiring gathering of parents, educators and community leaders passionate about ensuring equity in education for rural and remote students. What struck me most was the deep commitment to connection – to building strong pathways for children no matter where they live, and to strengthening the regions that sustain them. This theme could not be more relevant. Our city continues to experience significant population growth, attracting families not only from metropolitan areas but also from across Northern New South Wales. As the gateway to the Darling Downs and the south-west, Toowoomba services a vast catchment and this demand is driving impressive investment in infrastructure and opportunity, particularly in the health sector. Healthcare is currently the largest employer in the Toowoomba region, accounting for one in every five local jobs. That’s 20% of our regional workforce engaged in caring for others (Toowoomba Regional Council Economic Profile, 2023/4). This is only growing. With the new Toowoomba Hospital on the horizon (Queensland Government Darling Downs Health, 2025) and an ever-increasing demand to service areas throughout Queensland and Northern New South Wales, the need for dedicated, well-trained health professional has never been more urgent. And yet, as health services expand, there is a growing shortage o f workers – particularly in nursing, allied health, mental health and aged care. The good news is that regional students who study and train locally are far more likely to stay, live and work in those same communities (Regional Universities Network, NA). They – the young women in our classrooms now – are the future of our region. That is why I am so proud of the work happening in our College’s Health Hub. This innovative space is more than just a classroom – it is a launch pad. It’s where curiosity meets compassion and where students begin to imagine how they might make a positive impact. In 2024, Health was the single largest study area for our students – a strong sign that our young women are listening to the needs of their community and leaning into service. Our partnership program with Mater Education and on-the job options with STATIM Regional Health Solutions is already providing students with real work learning opportunities and micro credentialling to give them a head start with their future pathways. I recently received one of the loveliest letters I have e ver received in my time as an educator, from a grateful son whose mother had been provided care by one of our girls during work experience. He shared that ‘although this student’s genuine kindness is exceptional to our mind, I have no doubt that it is indicative of the values that are instilled in your Fairholme students more generally.’ With over a dozen of our current Year 12 girls eagerly preparing to sit their medical entry exams through UCAT preparations, this touching tribute to our students and staff could not be more fitting. With a rapidly changing world, there is no doubt that health remains one of the most stable and essential sectors – both now and into the future. But more than that, it is a deeply human profession. Whether our graduates go on to become doctors, nurses, paramedics, allied health professionals or researchers, we know they will be making an impact that matters. Toowoomba is not just growing - it is thriving. And as educators, we are excited to be helping shape a generation who will contribute meaningfully to that growth. Our College is proud to stand at the intersection of education, innovation and community service. To each of our families - thank you. Thank you for the sacrifices you make, the values you instil and the trust you place in us. The ICPA reminded me once again of the strength that exists in our rural and regional families - and of how important it is that our schools honour that strength with opportunity. The future looks bright – and I have every confidence it will be even brighter with our graduates at the helm. Have a restful break and I look forward to seeing you and your daughters back for an exciting and inspiring second semester. Dr Leigh Hobart Principal
